Valhalla Rising Review

Okay, let's get one thing straight first off- if you've seen the poster or DVD cover for Valhalla Rising and are expecting some kind of 13th Warrior-style action film, you'd probably think you had made a wise choice. After all, there's a picture of Mads Mikkelsen on the cover holding a giant sword and with an army of soldiers at his back. Right?

WRONG.

This has to be the most blatantly false piece of advertising I've ever seen in my whole life- and given the addition of the non-existent soldiers in the background, it's the fact that it's so deliberately misleading that shocks me. Because if you're a fan of action films, the chances are you'll probably hate the glacial pace of Valhalla Rising.

In short, you're getting not an action film but an art house film. And, if like me, you don't mind slow-paced, atmospheric movies with great soundtracks and (very) occasional bursts of gut-wrenching violence you might not be completely disappointed. You might hang in there all the way through the film- Mads Mikkelsen does, after all, deliver a terrific performance as the invincible, mute One-Eye. The problem is that there's no pay off.

The film opens with One-Eye as a slave warrior, chained to a pole and forced to fight in brutal, unarmed combat (usually against more than one foe at a time). This section, at least, delivers on the misleading advertising. The problem, though, is that as the film goes on and he escapes and then falls in with a group of warriors off to the Holy Land the pace not only slows but the action almost completely stops. That's not say that it's not good- the photography is fantastic, the soundtrack is mesmerising and there's something compelling about watching the journey these men are on. No, the big problem is that the film builds tension so brilliantly as the men arrive, hopelessly lost, in the New World. The sound here is tremendous by the way- every whisper of wind, every rustle of leaves, every animal call hints at the hidden danger around them. It's one of the most effectively menacing environments I've seen on film. Glad I had my headphones on while watching it.

And that's why it's such a frustratingly, horribly unrewarding film. One-Eye is one of the best conceived warriors on celluloid. He cannot be stopped, cannot be beaten. We witness him fighting bare-handed and then, once or  twice, with axe and dagger- but these are only hints of what he's capable of. The film builds and builds, heading inexorably towards a showdown between One-Eye and the natives and then, suddenly, it ends. I don't want to give any spoilers but if you're expecting a big finale you're going to be sorely disappointed because there isn't one. Instead it just stops and you're left staring at the screen going, "that's it?"

If you're an art house fan, of course, your mileage may vary. You may love the "what was that bit all about" of some of it, you may wonder about the symbolism of certain elements, you may question the meaning behind certain acts. In short you may enjoy thinking about the film more than actually watching it. Personally, I'm somewhere in the middle between the "that was so boring, can't believe I wasted my time" crowd and the "wow, that was so thought-provoking/weird/unfathomable" brigade.

The major lack of a satisfying ending is the film's worst sin- perhaps some will like it but for me it's akin to the false advertising of the packaging. The DVD box art sells this as an action film. The story, the mood, the character build this film as if it's heading towards a certain ending but then doesn't deliver. I couldn't stand it. What I did like was pretty much all of the rest of it. The lack of action after the opening scenes is totally fine- as is the glacially slow pace and lack of dialogue. As I've said the cinematography is superb, the sound editing is awesome, the soundtrack is perfect for creating the proper mood, the acting is well above average and the atmosphere is gripping. The only big flaw for me was that it doesn't deliver on all of these elements. Maybe next time I watch it, I'll stop my DVD player a few minutes before the end and just imagine what should have happened.

Ninja Assassin

Just watched Ninja Assassin. Quite possibly the greatest ninja film ever made. And Sho Kosugi is in it!

The Tunnel

This is interesting- an Aussie firm has made a horror movie called The Tunnel and they are releasing it themselves as a torrent. They intend to pay for the production costs by selling individual frames of film. It's a rather daring step to take and it will certainly be interesting to see how well this system does. If it works we'll be sure to see others try the same approach- and surely a successful cult film will be able to charge a bit more than a dollar for at least some of the frames.

“An investigation into a government cover-up leads to a network of abandoned train tunnels deep beneath the heart of Sydney. As a journalist and her crew hunt for the story it quickly becomes clear the story is hunting them.”

You can check out the teasers- and buy your own frame- here. And don't forget to look for the torrent.

Centurion Trailer

Neil Marshall's a genius- Dog Soldiers is a blast, The Descent was genuinely scary and Doomsday was a hugely entertaining homage to the post-apocalyptic films of the '80s. So, I'm really, really looking forward to seeing his latest flick Centurion.

New Brit Horror Movie SNUB

This looks rather interesting- a new British movie called S.N.U.B. which stands for Secret Nuclear Underground Bunker. In short a Brit politician finds out about an impending nuclear attack on London and he flees- along with an assortment of other people- into a bunker to save himself. The bomb goes off and the radioactivity mutates a group of prisoners who escaped in the aftermath of the blast. Said mutants then set about attacking the survivors in the bunker.

I think I'm going to enjoy this one. It's available to pre-order on DVD now.

Another Tour

A novel approach to rehabilitating prisoners in France-

Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month, watched by scores of guards on bicycles, in the first penal version of the Tour de France, authorities said Monday.

The 196 prisoners will cycle in a pack and breakaway sprints will not be allowed. They will be accompanied by 124 guards and prison sports instructors. There will be no ranking, the idea being to foster values like teamwork and effort.

They will complete 1,400 miles before finishing in Paris. Unlike the regular Tour, this will not be a race as the prisoners have to ride in a pack.

We're only a couple of steps away from turning this into a sci-fi movie- upgrade the bicycles to motorcycles, arm the prisoners and make it an elimination race. Death Race could have some serious competition.

Casting Decisions

Breaking news from Hollywood- a new biopic is being made of Martin Luther King and the hot favourite to play the part is none other than....Jet Li.

Preposterous? Absolutely- and completely untrue. But it does seem that some in Hollywood are considering making a similarly bizarre casting choice.

Jamie Foxx, the African-American actor, singer and comedian, has been named as a potential contender for the role of Frank Sinatra in Martin Scorcese's biopic of the entertainer.

Sure, I just just see cinema audiences queuing up to see this one. While they're at it, why not cast Harrison Ford as Barack Obama and Will Smith as John McCain in a film about the last campaign?

So long as we're being "colour blind".

The Road Trailer

I haven't yet read the book this is based on but the post-apocalyptic setting alone is enough to put this high on my list of "want to see" films. I'm torn between wanting to read the source material and avoiding all knowledge of the story/plot so that I can go into the cinema without any preconceptions.

Anyway, this looks good-

Movie News

Head on over to the awesome Quiet Earth and check out some trailers.

First of all a very graphic, violent game coming to the PS3, Prototype. I'm an X-Box guy myself but this trailer is worth watching- particularly if you like the post-apocalyptic, mutant, zombie genre. Think I Am Legend if Will Smith had mad super-parkour skills and the ability to grow blades out of his hands.

Next up is the trailer for Gamer, Gerard Butler's next movie. Basically, a new game has been created where the gamers use mind control technology to manipulate real people in battles. This one looks very impressive.

While you're over there be sure to have a good look around- Quiet Earth is one of the top movie websites around. There's an awful lot of great material there, not all of it related to the post-apocalyptic genre.

Coming Soon

A couple of movies worth looking out for- thanks to the guys over at Quiet Earth for highlighting these.

The first is the sequel to parkour action-fest District 13- Banlieue 13- Ultimatum.

Next up is the rather frightening looking avian-flu apocalypse thriller Carriers. Survivalists, take note- this could be interesting.

Alien Trespass Trailer

Thanks to the folks over at Quiet Earth here's the trailer for the upcoming '50s style invasion movie Alien Trespass. This looks like a lot of fun.

Varied Items

A little sign that there's still some life left in the blog.

People are willing to torture others if in the presence of an "authority figure". The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Reforestation in the Americas centuries ago helped to plunge the world into the Little Ice Age.

Pork, pork and more pork - a request by US mayors for funds to be used for "infrastructure" improvements (allegedly to help the economy) is packed with extra spending for the likes of a polar bear exhibit, a water park ride, zoos, museums, etc. Politicians- is there any crisis they won't use to their own advantage?

A woman's rights activist in Iraq has been beheaded in her own home.

Judge Dredd looks like he'll be returning to cinema screens- though without Stallone this time. Here's hoping they hire a director and script-writer who has actually read the comics. Interesting to note the call for Jason Statham to play the part in the comments. That might actually be a good idea.

Frank Miller is apparently going to make a Buck Rogers movie. I'm not sure what to make of this one. My initial thought is that Miller's too dark for this. It seems to be that this should be more of a Spielberg-ian effort. And they should definitely go back to the old serials for inspiration.

That's all for now but please do keep checking back for more!

Fast vs Slow

Simon Pegg- of Shaun of the Dead fame- comments on the recent British TV zombie show "Dead Set". I haven't seen it yet myself but he takes exception to the choice of fast zombies for the programme.

The concept was clever in its simplicity: a full-scale zombie outbreak coincides with a Big Brother eviction night, leaving the Big Brother house as the last refuge for the survivors. Scripted by Charlie Brooker, a writer whose scalpel-sharp incisiveness I have long been a fan of, and featuring talented actors such as Jaime Winstone and the outstanding Kevin Eldon, the show heralded the arrival of genuine homegrown horror, scratching at the fringes of network television. My expectations were high, and I sat down to watch a show that proved smart, inventive and enjoyable, but for one key detail: ZOMBIES DON'T RUN!

Worth a look at. Personally, I don't mind the fast zombie concept and I disagree that having a zombie run is like giving a werewolf wings. Zombies weren't animated by radiation or a virus originally- that was a new spin on the old myth of voodoo magic. The fast breed is simply another manifestation of that.

I'd actually like to see a film tackle the notion that, after a zombie outbreak, the undead are pretty fast to begin with but, as their bodies begin to rot, they slow down and turn into the mass-congregating shamblers we are all familiar with.

UPDATE - Thanks to commenter jansch, here's the link to Charlie Brooks' response to Pegg's article.

A Real Loss

I've just learned that Michael Crichton has passed away. He has been battling cancer.

Popular sci-fi author Michael Crichton died Tuesday of cancer. He was 66 and was battling the illness privately, according to his family.

Crichton was author of several blockbuster novels, including The Andromeda Strain and Jurassic Park, and also created the hit TV series ER.

"Through his books, Michael Crichton served as an inspiration to students of all ages, challenged scientists in many fields, and illuminated the mysteries of the world in a way we could all understand," his family said in a statement, according to the Associated Press.

In addition to his prolific and successful career as a writer, his works were translated into a number of wildly popular movies including The 13th Warrior, Westworld and, of course, Jurassic Park. The breadth of his work is an indication of the incredible talent he possessed. He also deserves credit for his well reasoned attack on global warming. More important than any of that though, is this-

"While the world knew him as a great story teller that challenged our preconceived notions about the world around us - and entertained us all while doing so - his wife Sherri, daughter Taylor, family and friends knew Michael Crichton as a devoted husband, loving father and generous friend who inspired each of us to strive to see the wonders of our world through new eyes."

A man couldn't ask for finer words than those. May he rest in peace.

An American Carol

Spoofs like this aren't usually my cup of tea but the jokes in films like Airplane and Hot Shots tend to come so thick and fast that they can be watchable. And some of the visual gags are pretty clever. I'm really rooting for An American Carol to be good- the start of some conservative-friendly flicks coming out of Hollywood? There's a lot riding on it.

Half-Blood Prince Trailer

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince is certainly the darkest of the books that has been filmed so far. The Death Eaters are at large- affecting the Muggle world as well as the magical one- and danger stalks the corridors of Hogwarts. If you're a fan of the films but haven't yet read the books you'll definitely want to avoid hearing what happens in this one before you go to see it- avoid all talk and spoilers as best you can.

It's the penultimate book in the series although the last book, The Deathly Hallows, is apparently to be broken into two parts for its appearance on the big screen.

I didn't take to the Potter tales when they first came out, and I ignored the films for some time too. In a way I'm glad that I did- I was able to read them all basically one after the other. They really are nicely written, the world is well developed and Harry, Ron, Hermione are great characters- along with a brilliant supporting cast. I've got to say that I'm pleased with the film adaptations too- and I'm very much looking forward to seeing this one on the big screen. So, after all that, here's the first trailer for Half-Blood Prince.

Terminator 4 Teaser

I wasn't actually expecting too much from the next instalment of the Terminator franchise- but this teaser trailer has changed my mind.

Teaser trailer de Terminator Salvation
Uploaded by UrulokiBlog

I Am Legend

Note - I found this review from December in my Blogger drafts folder for some reason. Not quite sure why it didn't publish but there you are. Anyway, here it is now.

Thanks to my brother-in-law I snagged a couple of tickets to the cinema last night to see Will Smith's I Am Legend. It's a worthy addition to the other versions of Matheson's classic story- Vincent Price's Last Man on Earth and Charlton Heston's Omega Man.

Will Smith is superb as the lonely Robert Neville and the scenes of a desolate New York are brilliantly done- from the vegetation clogged streets to old plastic-wrapped quarantined buildings to the Batman-Superman movie poster and the sounds of the post-apocalyptic city; the setting is the co-star of the film. Having said that, Smith is outstanding; he ably carries the film and his portrayal of Neville is incredibly well done. A nod too goes to Emma Thompson; she appears only briefly in the film as a scientist being interviewed on TV and she is brilliantly realistic, seeming uncomfortable and ineloquent.

My criticisms of the movie are few- way too much CGI for the infected and, I think, some poor CGI for the deer. There were rumours that Johnny Depp was to have played the arch-antagonist Cortman and having seen the film I wish now that they had gone that way; CGI has its place in the film certainly, especially with the way the infected move, but it would have been so much better to have a real face on the bad guys. With the CGI characters, there was a sense of unreality to proceedings which took away the feel of danger Neville was in.

I would also have liked it to have been longer; with more detail on Neville's existence and a good deal more on the infected as they become a bigger threat to him. The first scene where Neville encounters them is one of the most tense and nail-biting I've seen on the big screen, it seemed like everyone in the cinema was holding their breath while it was playing out. After that though the story seemed to skip forward and I feel like the movie would have benefited with a bigger build up to the climax. It kind of feels as if the makers just ran out of time or money and the latter part of the film plays out far too quickly. It would certainly have benefited from more cat and mouse between Neville and the mutant zombie vampires.

Some complaint, eh? Make the film longer and give me more!

I hear too that the ending was changed after test audiences didn't like the original; I'm not too pleased with the one that was shown but hopefully the director's concept will appear on the DVD release. Other than that though, it's an excellent film- Smith delivers a great performance, the pace is spot on and the tension is high. A must see movie.

Hollywood Helping

Angie and Brad do their bit for the troops.

In another generous act of philanthropy, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt donated $1 million to both U.S. and Iraqi children who have been affected by the Iraqi war.

I wonder if she was influenced to help the kids of US service personnel after her visit to Iraq?

"These educational support programs for children of conflict are the best way to help them heal," said Angelina. Half a million will go to the Armed Service YMCA Operation Hero program, which helps educate and emotionally support children who have parents serving in Iraq (or who've lost parents.)

The other half million will go to helping children in Iraq. Not often you hear about Hollywood celebrities doing good deeds to support the US military and their families.

On a related note I've just been to see Wanted. It's an outlandishly over-the-top film. Just throw your disbelief out the window and sit back and enjoy the awesome spectacle. Very well directed, brilliant action scenes and James McAvoy was superb as he moved from loser to super-assassin.

Welcome To The Jungle

You know those times when you see a review of a movie and it says something like, "This film is brilliant," so you go see it and then think that the quote was probably originally "This film is utterly terrible not brilliant"?

Well, I suspect that something like that must have happened with the 2007 movie Welcome To The Jungle- not to be confused with The Rock film of the same name. It's a cannibal film and, good grief, it's bad. Not enjoyable B-movie bad but mind-numbingly tedious bad. The problem isn't just that it's a very blatant rip-off of Cannibal Holocaust but that it spends about 90% of its time tracking the not-interesting-at-all exploits of a group of pretty unlikeable characters. They spend far too much time setting up the story before even going to the jungle and then spent an even larger amount of time bickering. And nothing at all of interest happens.

Towards the end of the movie the cannibal tribe shows up and we get no tension or excitement at all. Not even a chase through the jungle just a lot of sitting looking depressed. When the inevitable happens and the cannibals do attack we get some very derivative scenes (including one especially which is a lame take on Deodato's shocking original). And here's where the problem is- the un-originality of the story could be excused if it delivered some thrills, tension, excitement, empathy for the characters or even some gore. And for a cannibal film that's woefully lacking. We get some not very convincing dismembered body parts but no actual scenes of cannibals munching on fresh human flesh. Which would seem rather essential for a cannibal film.

After watching it I was left with a sense of disappointment. It's as if the makers had heard of cannibal films and the traditional elements in them but had never actually seen one. Which brings me back to my opening gambit. The quote on the WTTJ cover says, "Quite possibly the most terrifying film of the last decade." I think what they meant to say was "terrifyingly bad".

Whatever you do, don't waste your time on this.